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{heart confession}

09.13.12

Pretty sure that most people, especially the ladies, have experienced similar thoughts.  I am a person who {unfortunately, fairly consistently, like daily} thinks to myself, “Oh how I wish that I was like that…” as I look through a magazine or blog or see someone on the street.  It could be that I wish I looked more of a certain way, had certain clothes, my house looked a certain way, that I would think to organize in that way, that I was more creative…  I find myself so frequently longing for what I don’t have or feeling dissatisfied with who I am- not just looks, but how I even go about doing a task and structuring my life.  This day and age, with Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, etc it is so easy to feed these feelings of ‘not good enough’ or it gives a place for you to boast about ‘how good enough you are’.

It’s a vicious cycle.  And the cycle makes me sick- sometimes literally.

As I have become more and more aware of this tendency of thought pattern, I have begun to look deep inside at the root of it.  When I notice there is an area in/about me that might need some tuning or repair, I work at it.  Sometimes I fixate too much on it, but most of the time I simply sit with it, and then pull back each layer of it until I come to the core.  I am very self-competitive.  So, I noticed this in myself.  I noticed that it stole joy from not only my day, but my soul.  I didn’t like that.   The pattern that I noticed was taking place {multiple times a day, in a wide array of areas} was that 1} I would see something, whether in actual life or an image and 2} that image would lead me to dreaming and longing and to say to myself, ‘I wish I had/was/did that”, which in tern would 3} cause the thoughts to manifest into belief which would 4} seep into my heart the confirmation that what my mind was telling me was true; that I was not good enough.  This would then 4} spill out the rest of the day onto the tasks and people that I was around- and most often it came out in anger, procrastination, and angst; which would consequently continue to feed the thoughts about how horrible I am.   See, vicious cycle.

But last night, something strange happened.  After looking at a photography blog, I started to get those feelings and notice the old thought pattern beginning to well up in me.  And then, instead of thinking, “I wish that my blog looked like that or that I produced pictures like that”, I thought, “I want to see myself in the same light that I am looking at this person”.

It stopped me dead in my tracks as I was making dinner, literally.  It scared me.  I didn’t consciously think to have those positive thoughts, they just came out.  It was just a simple change of words that lead to a simple path of peace.  All the work and patience and prayers that I have put into this area of my life, was showing some results.  It’s like an athlete training and training and training by doing exercise and routines that don’t seem like they are actually going to help them, but it does.

I found myself giddy and smiling from ear-to-ear.  I even poured myself a celebratory glass of wine ;)

I know that there is still a long road in front of me in this area, it may be my “thorn in my side” for the rest of my life.  But as I continue to train, the thorn won’t poke me as often, and I’ll be able to identify when it is rearing it’s ugly head.

The things, people, pictures, blogs that cause me to spiral into this negative mindset about myself are sometimes from people I know, some that I don’t, some that I know or not but they don’t know that I stalk them from a far ;)  I am working on being able to truly be inspired by them and catching myself if I begin to compare and think down on myself.  Life is a journey and a process.  I am so pleased to have had a little moment of hope and joy last night.  I feel like I was given a little direction that altered my thought pattern; like a rudder on a boat making the smallest movement, causing the entire boat to change its course.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. 09.13.12 6:18 PM

    Thanks for honesty…..Glenn and Ruth

  2. Kathryn Rumbles permalink
    09.13.12 6:41 PM

    I like to read your blogs from afar and can say I’ve thought the same thing about your life! :) You’re not alone and I’m glad you’ve found some peace. I’ll certainly take your advice for myself. Thanks for sharing!

  3. 09.13.12 7:00 PM

    Wow girl! This is awesome and I can totally relate! I beat myself up so much and it makes me feel terrible! I am way too hard on myself, and I know it, but I can’t stop. It took guts for you to write this post. I love it! And it is helpful for me to hear that you feel the same way I do. I am going to write your words on a post-it note and carry it around with me so that whenever I knock myself in comparison to someone else I can read and repeat your mantra.

  4. 09.14.12 8:50 AM

    Oh yes! Those little moments when we are able to treat ourselves as we treat the world need to be savored. We are worth it. God is good.

  5. Cynthia Stevenson permalink
    09.14.12 11:36 AM

    Alicia, dear, do you have any idea how many people admire, envy, look up to and aspire to be just like you? Waving my hand in the air…I’m one of them. Love you bunches…you should love you bunches, too!

  6. 09.14.12 10:18 PM

    Very powerful message. Thanks so much.

  7. 09.16.12 11:16 PM

    How can you not be good enough? You’re tremendous! And given, everyone who’s worth their salt tries to be better, but, given all that you’ve done, and all that you do, how can you not be good enough?

    I think y’all are pretty good as it is and you’re getting better and better!

  8. 09.17.12 4:58 PM

    You’re very right that all this peering over the fence that happens with social media creates a misshapen view of both ourselves and other people.

    It’s such a natural thing to do, but in this online world it happens without the context of real life – knowing that your neighbours might have a perfect lawn, but they fight, or slave over it day and night, or whatever. You get to see the bigger picture – good and bad – not some perfectly edited Pinterest version of their lives.

    Good for you for seeing that moment of recognition for what it is – a rare and valuable gift. Hold on to it.

  9. Able Farm permalink
    09.18.12 10:34 PM

    I have often felt the same way when I read your blog. You are able to make everything you do seem cool and fun.

  10. Able Farm permalink
    09.18.12 10:44 PM

    I have often felt the same way about your blog.
    When I get worn down in the day to day. Everything you do looks so cool or fun.

  11. MarinaP permalink
    10.09.12 2:31 PM

    Such truth, Alicia! I too, work on the same thoughts and feelings. Sadly it is like an addiction so everyday I have to work at it–easier said than done. God is good, he continues to show me how to be better! PS I love your blog, pics, food and the life you live.

  12. Teresa Riddle permalink
    11.05.12 3:14 PM

    I love your blog! and the pictures!! I started reading it a few weeks ago, thinking that I wished my life was more like yours… (or that maybe it would have been when I was younger!) :o) We all seem to think the grass is or could be greener on the other side…

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