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{being me}

05.03.12

Zigging and zagging around my thoughts leaves me feeling defeated.  I woke up this morning feeling defeated.  I started the list of things that I need to get done, want to get done, haven’t gotten done.  I forget to add to the list, the things I have accomplished.  There are days and seasons that seem to go that way- fighting yourself.  Struggling to see reality, to be positive, to be loving and kind, and to do this not only toward others but to yourself as well.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a wifey post, and though it’s not a Wednesday, I hope you will still enjoy :)

{the breeze way- looking at the Farm House from the Cottage door}

This weekend we are having David Bazan over for a house show.  A house show is where a band comes to a home and plays a concert.  Because we aren’t just farmers, and Mr. Farmer Jones has an alter ego that is a rock star, we have many musical-type happenings at our place.  We both enjoy it greatly.  Though we enjoy our miniature rocker lives, the main reason it happens here is because we have this awesome property and a 4,000 square foot home with plenty of room.

{the Boiler Room- remodeling to fit more people}

Though I love having people over and being hospitable, it also brings up a great deal of emotions in me.  I look around our homes and think, “This is NOT what I want my house to look like.  This is NOT how I would want to host people.  I wish we were established and had an established home to host people in.”  I realize that I am only 28 and that the majority of people we are hosting are also close to my age {and mainly guys} and honestly don’t really care that our house looks more like a frat house than a home of a young married couple.

{the entry way into the Farm House}

Nonetheless,I want my house to be a home- both of them.  As I have mentioned before, I put high expectations on myself.  I put unnecessary pressure on myself.  I want to be able to have my dreams come true.  It leaves me feeling guilty because I can’t just be content with where I am at.  I have been contemplating this a lot recently.  What is the root and heart of this mindset?  I realize it is not reality, it is not sustaining, it is not healthy, and produces emotions that don’t need to be there; and thus producing actions that aren’t becoming.

{we call this the Carpet Room and we use it for extra farm items storage}

I have realized that I can’t share here about what I am really going through as I’m going through it.  I have to be able to process and identify things first.

This morning, as I woke in a state where my whole body felt anxious.  I tried to calm myself down, think positively.  Then I came to the computer and went to a friend’s blog that I read.  Today Kari, of Sacred Mundane, wrote a post titled, Small.  As I read her words, I noticed that the anxious-tight-chest feeling was starting to ease.

{the other view of the Carpet Room}

Kari’s words of honesty about desiring to do great things, not to be famous, but to be the full person she is meant to be and to live out the big goals and dreams she has for her life in order to positively affect others’ lives, completely hit home to me.  I realized as I finished reading her post, that that isthe root and heart of my mindset recently.  I want to be great so that others may be encouraged, inspired, and better people.  I want to be honest and real so that others can see they are not alone.  In a world where so much is Photoshopped and full of illusions of reality, I desire to play a part in the restoring work of God in people’s lives through my realness.  As Kari said, I want to be big but in us looking at others’ bigness, it can tend to make us realize how small we are ourselves, and then feel defeated.

{the Sun Room}

When we are able to focus on who we are, who we were made to be, and for that all to be enough, then we will really be great.  Not to compare.  Not to be defeated by others’ success.  To simply find what it takes to be you, and to then stay there.  To be encouraged and inspired and in awe of others’ greatness, but to not be derailed by those difference just because we wish we had more of what they have or are.  My other friend Caila, of Caila-Made, is also processing through similar thoughts.  It is nice to know we are not alone :)

{the Storage Room- it is full of all the stuff we’ve accumulated over the years}

The photos in this post are the ‘before’ pictures of the downstairs of the Farm House.  We have been working on cleaning it up 1) for the house show this weekend and 2) because it had gotten to an unruly state and was causing us to feel defeated, unaccomplished, and depressed.  In looking at these photos I realize that it is no wonder I have been feeling the way I have.  There is a lot of my plate, and the Farm House is just one small portion.  Everything on my plate is really too much for me to handle and I get overwhelmed by the smallest thing.  This is the reality of what our life is.  A jumbled chaos.  But it is beautiful.  I can choose to see the reality of what our life is now and to have hope for the future.  To realize that we are blessed that we have all of this stuff, that was mainly given to us.  We are blessed that we have two roofs over our heads.  We are blessed that we life is teaching us how to be better through our actions, in our emotions, and overall mature, responsible, giving, patient, loving, and kind people.  We are blessed that the more than likely, we will not always be in this current state.  It will change.  It will change us.  And there will be something else that will refine us.  We are always learning a lot.  Always growing.  I feel small most days {and given my stature, I am literally physically small every day} but inch by inch I am growing.

{the living room and extra sitting room- aka Loaded for Bear‘s practice and storage spaces}

This quote, by John Piper that Kari posted on her blog, is one that I am going to rest in and try to live out as best I can.

“Beware of missing your appointed fruit by envying bigger trees.”

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20 Comments leave one →
  1. Heather Garfias (soon to be Heather Gray again) permalink
    05.03.12 10:56 AM

    Oh, how I can relate to every word in this post (except for the part about musicians). (By the way, I will probably see y’all even less than I have, as I am living in Stayton right now and am moving to Silverton eventually.) It’s something that I started recognizing in my twenties and am still dealing with. And now I am divorced from Mike, and part of my healing process is to take a lot of that stuff out of the house, into this new place, and process it. I am going through a process of paring down the stuff, getting rid of the things I haven’t wanted to carry around all these years but have. It’s exactly the same as releasing the emotions, feeling the feelings, and especially feeling the gratitude for all in life.

    Here is a blog post that helped me recently, and thanks for posting about this and linking to other blog posts.

    http://howtoraiseyourvibration.blogspot.com/2011/03/healing-shadow.html

    • 05.05.12 1:42 PM

      It is good to hear from you Heather! It is nice to hear that others can, and even are, relating to me in this time I’m going through. I bet that most women go through this at least once in their life ;) I am very sorry to hear of your divorce. I hope the best for you though. It is so true what you said, releasing the emotions and feeling the feelings, is almost what makes the process seem so much worse, or bigger, or whatever. Identifying those things, accepting them, and then know how to move forward is most the battle. All the best to you as you go through this process, Heather! I’ll definitely have to check out that blog post once I come up for air after this weekend ;)

  2. Denise Gaetz permalink
    05.03.12 11:36 AM

    Thanks Alicia for today’s post. It was very appropriate for us today as we were feeling the same small feelings. Your quote and the video talking about how to deal with failures, has bolstered us or mostly me on moving forward today. That quote especially touched me and will not be forgotten. Words to live by! Thanks again Denise

    • 05.05.12 1:43 PM

      You are so welcome Denise! Thank you for always letting me know how much you appreciate what I share- it means a great deal to me :)

  3. karinapatterson permalink
    05.03.12 1:01 PM

    Can I just THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for posting REAL pictures of REAL life and how you live? You have no idea. It’s so easy to look at your life and see perfection–seriously the cutest couple ever living the coolest dream ever and it’s SO awesome and wonderful, but the reality is your house gets messy too. :) I love this post, Alicia. Thanks so much for including me, I love how God crossed our paths today. Bless you.

    • 05.05.12 1:44 PM

      :) you are so welcome Kari! And thank you! I LOVE how God crossed our path’s about this topic. It literally was a huge peace of a puzzle that I was missing. Thank you for your honesty and always sharing from the heart. It touches so many. Until next time :)

  4. grsmouse permalink
    05.03.12 1:57 PM

    We appreciate your honesty!

    • 05.05.12 1:46 PM

      It definitely is a risk to be fully revealing about what I am going through, and I hesitate because I don’t want to come across like I am complaining. I am glad that you appreciate it! Thank you for reading!

  5. Dawn permalink
    05.03.12 11:08 PM

    I am so there…parts of my house looks a lot like your pictures, except smaller and instead of just a Mr and Mrs Farmer it also has two teenage girls – who have unfortunately inheritied their parents packrat tendencies. None of us are rockers though :). This is such a busy time of year for farming folk, so much life abounding everywhere – outside on the grass, in brooders, in barns, on windowsills and in greenhouses. It’s hard to keep up. I don’t know a single “real” farming family who have a home that is ever picture ready for Country Living or whatever…real country living is messy, dirty and time consuming. I tend to beat myself up about my general housekeeping skills, and I have a terrible tendency to compare the state of our house to the homes of friends. But I actually, when we’re not going madly off in all directions, quite like our life, and would rather have this, messy house and all, than theirs. And I love the quote you end with, going to copy it out and put it on my wall. Good luck with the house show!

    • 05.05.12 1:52 PM

      Thank you Dawn! It is so true that because of my comparing and thinking that I ought to have a Country Living home, it causes so much unrest. My home is never magazine ready- and I have to fight myself to be truly ok with that reality, because honestly, I think would prefer that. But as I peel back the layers of the onion, I realize that having everything in order and sparkling is really a false sense of security and not really what I want others to value me by. I think I am maturing and learning to accept that my life is different than I imagined, and I love it all the more for that! I work to be patient in the process of accepting what our life is, and to embrace it and let it grow with true love, delight, and joy! I hope I do learn this before our own little ones come along, but though we don’t have children, I often feel like I have about 10 teenagers running around everyday with all the visitors, staff, and family :) It makes me appreciate women who run households even more :)

  6. tallbootsphotography permalink
    05.04.12 8:57 AM

    <3 Thinking of you. I hope the rock band performance is great! The handsome man is also a very talented musician and secretly (or maybe not so secretly) wishes I would learn drums. Unfortunately I think all I can bring to the table is some very hearty cowbell. <3

    • 05.04.12 8:58 AM

      Oh for goodness sakes. Have I ever told you how frustrating I find commenting on blogs to be :) It’s always different!

    • 05.05.12 1:56 PM

      Thanks Rachel! I think tonight is going to be a blast! There are definitely times that I think Tyler wishes I were a musician so we could jam together or at least that I would be more eager and excited to go out to shows at night- but like you, I’m better at cowbell or back-up-snapper or do-op girl :)

  7. 05.05.12 12:32 PM

    Outsanding post! Absolutely outstanding!

    • 05.05.12 1:58 PM

      You’re making me blush! Truly, thank you! I’m glad that you liked the post. It honestly took awhile for me to get up the courage to post it ;)

      • 05.05.12 7:47 PM

        You’re good people Alicia! And I have the same misgivings about my house and property as you do about yours. You give me the courage to not be too upset with myself over it, while chipping away at the clutter and other ‘stuff’ as I have the time.

      • 05.07.12 6:56 AM

        I am so thrilled to hear that I am able to give you some courage through sharing my struggles here at the farm :)

  8. 05.07.12 9:51 AM

    Thanks for sharing your feelings so freely! When I feel this way, I try to remember that the only person putting pressure on me to be ‘better’ is ME. A friend told me once that ‘Expectations decrease joy.’ I keep it in mind to try to see all of the joy.
    Love the blog- I have a dream to live on a farm!
    Check me out at theusualbliss.com sometime!

    • 05.11.12 6:40 PM

      Thank you for reading! I completely agree that expectations decrease joy! And I realize that all the expectations I put on myself are not making it any easier for me. It is definitely a journey and a process to untrain your mind and thought patterns. I hope your dream of living on a farm comes true! It is the most rewarding and challenging and freeing life I’ve ever had/lived :) Your blog is totally fun! It made me hungry, feel creative, and want to go snuggle my doggies :) Keep up the good work!

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